Interpersonal Effectiveness – Interpersonal Effectiveness DBT Tool

Interpersonal Effectiveness

Definition

Interpersonal Effectiveness is a set of DBT skills designed to help individuals communicate their needs and desires clearly, maintain healthy relationships, and keep their self-respect. These skills balance assertiveness with respect and aim to achieve goals in social interactions.

Purpose

Used to:

  • Ask for what you want or need effectively.
  • Say no while preserving the relationship.
  • Build and maintain positive relationships.
  • Maintain self-respect in interactions.

When to Use

Use these skills when:

  • You need to make a request or assert a boundary.
  • You feel conflicted between your needs and preserving a relationship.
  • You’re concerned about how you are perceived.
  • You are navigating conflict or negotiation.
  • You want to be more skillful in interpersonal situations.

When Not to Use

Avoid using if:

  • The interaction is physically unsafe.
  • The other person is unwilling to engage respectfully.
  • You’re too emotionally dysregulated to be skillful (use distress tolerance skills first).

How-To

Interpersonal Effectiveness is often taught through three skill sets:

  1. Objective Effectiveness (DEAR MAN)

    • Getting what you want.

    • Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindful, Appear Confident, Negotiate.

  2. Relationship Effectiveness (GIVE)

    • Maintaining or improving the relationship.

    • Gentle, Interested, Validate, Easy Manner.

  3. Self-Respect Effectiveness (FAST)

    • Maintaining your own values and self-respect.

    • Fair, Apologies (no excessive), Stick to values, Truthful.

Tips & Variations

  • Decide which goal is most important (objective, relationship, or self-respect) before interacting.
  • Practice role-playing challenging situations.
  • Use mindfulness to notice judgments or assumptions.
  • Validate yourself even if the other person doesn’t validate you.

Example

Scenario: Asking a coworker to stop interrupting you in meetings.

  • Objective Effectiveness: “I’d appreciate it if you could let me finish my thoughts before jumping in.”

  • Relationship Effectiveness: “I value your input and want to keep our teamwork positive.”

  • Self-Respect Effectiveness: “It’s important to me to speak up respectfully.”

Inventor / Origin

Developed by Marsha Linehan, PhD, as part of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) to help clients navigate relationships and assert needs without harming connection or self-respect.

Related Skills

  • DEAR MAN (assertiveness)
  • GIVE (relationship maintenance)
  • FAST (self-respect)
  • Validation
  • Mindfulness of current interactions

Limitations

May not be effective if:

  • The person you are engaging with is abusive.
  • Safety is at risk.
  • You are emotionally flooded and unable to use skills calmly.

Evidence Base

Research shows:

  • Interpersonal Effectiveness skills improve communication, self-confidence, and relationship satisfaction.
  • Practicing these skills reduces interpersonal conflict and increases assertiveness.
  • Used widely in DBT for Borderline Personality Disorder, but effective for anyone seeking better communication.

Further Reading

References

  • Linehan, M.M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual, Second Edition. Guilford Press.
  • Bohus, M., & Wolf-Arehult, M. (2019). Interpersonal Skills for Emotion Regulation. Hogrefe Publishing.
  • Fruzzetti, A.E. (2006). The High Conflict Couple. New Harbinger Publications.

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